yeah ok
so, this is how stuff is right now
i'm going to class again, nobody speaks to me of course, why would they? i'm the only girl in class and i also started 3 days later cause i only go to some of the classes. i'm still at the same college...
my best friend, panda, decided that what he really wanted to study is music so he is going to this music school on the other side of town and we don't see each other anymore because you know school and homework and shit.
alan was in school but got expelled for some idiotic shit some other guy did.
i've been watching this tv series and it reminded me of stuff, things that happened to all of us, and i started paying atention to my reactions to what happened and i realized that i've become this angry person cause of everything that i've gone through. it may not be a lot but it sure as hell meant a lot. and then i remembered something that the school shrink said to me "you have a really big heart but you push people away by acting in a grotesque way so that they don't have a chance to hurt you". yeah she actually said that to me and i told her to fuck off, what a shock right?
i also realized looking back that my "hatred" towards by brother has a lot to do with that. you know? i looked back at high school and remembered how there was a lot of shit going on and how i wanted to just scape from it you know, just take the car and go wherever the road took me but hell i know better than that so i grabbed some friends and drove to a place quiet with nothing but nature and there for a few hours i could finally forget.
then college came, it was supposed to be good to be new, it was supposed to be the chance to forget about that girl that didn't love me back, about that friend that always the girl comes first for him, about all the drama from high school. but it wasn't, instead it was about how i still loved the girl, how i made bad choices, how standing up for myself got me to temporarily drop out because the teachers hated me and said i had an attitude problem, hell i even "got back" the girl which obviously wasn't meant to be.
so today around 2 hours ago i realized that i don't wanna be that person who's pissed off all the time, i don't want to fight with my friends everytime i talk to them, and i certainly don't want to push people away anymore.
so i finally got that chance to start over, i don't have friends at school to worry about so i get full concentration in my studies. i don't have a girl or boy to be thinking about or worry if they like me or not. my friends they're all busy so i don't really fight with any of them ergo there's less drama. but whats really important here is that i want to change and i admit that i need help, that's why im going back to therapy so that i can finally let go of all the anger, resentment and hate that's in my heart.
i know that nobody reads this "journal" and if somebody does they don't give a crap about any of this but i just needed to let it out
so farewell lj people, have a good life
- Skorpio Vixen
The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.
- Stephen King.
so, this is how stuff is right now
i'm going to class again, nobody speaks to me of course, why would they? i'm the only girl in class and i also started 3 days later cause i only go to some of the classes. i'm still at the same college...
my best friend, panda, decided that what he really wanted to study is music so he is going to this music school on the other side of town and we don't see each other anymore because you know school and homework and shit.
alan was in school but got expelled for some idiotic shit some other guy did.
i've been watching this tv series and it reminded me of stuff, things that happened to all of us, and i started paying atention to my reactions to what happened and i realized that i've become this angry person cause of everything that i've gone through. it may not be a lot but it sure as hell meant a lot. and then i remembered something that the school shrink said to me "you have a really big heart but you push people away by acting in a grotesque way so that they don't have a chance to hurt you". yeah she actually said that to me and i told her to fuck off, what a shock right?
i also realized looking back that my "hatred" towards by brother has a lot to do with that. you know? i looked back at high school and remembered how there was a lot of shit going on and how i wanted to just scape from it you know, just take the car and go wherever the road took me but hell i know better than that so i grabbed some friends and drove to a place quiet with nothing but nature and there for a few hours i could finally forget.
then college came, it was supposed to be good to be new, it was supposed to be the chance to forget about that girl that didn't love me back, about that friend that always the girl comes first for him, about all the drama from high school. but it wasn't, instead it was about how i still loved the girl, how i made bad choices, how standing up for myself got me to temporarily drop out because the teachers hated me and said i had an attitude problem, hell i even "got back" the girl which obviously wasn't meant to be.
so today around 2 hours ago i realized that i don't wanna be that person who's pissed off all the time, i don't want to fight with my friends everytime i talk to them, and i certainly don't want to push people away anymore.
so i finally got that chance to start over, i don't have friends at school to worry about so i get full concentration in my studies. i don't have a girl or boy to be thinking about or worry if they like me or not. my friends they're all busy so i don't really fight with any of them ergo there's less drama. but whats really important here is that i want to change and i admit that i need help, that's why im going back to therapy so that i can finally let go of all the anger, resentment and hate that's in my heart.
i know that nobody reads this "journal" and if somebody does they don't give a crap about any of this but i just needed to let it out
so farewell lj people, have a good life
- Skorpio Vixen
The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.
- Stephen King.
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